Saturday, March 9, 2013

Nice Doctor

A 30 something year old female visiting from out of town presented for seizure and knee pain. This was her 3rd visit in 10 days for the same.   She was an obvious drug seeking faker from the start.  Her previous visit stated she demanded dilaudid for her knee pain.

This visit was no different. She said she had 3 seizures, and banged her knee during the seizures. She said her seizures were due to stress, and she needed anxiety meds and IV dilaudid or demerol to get her back to normal.  Request denied.  I explained IV narcotics for an invisible knee bruise was a little extreme.   I ran some basic blood work…..and of course all was negative.

When I went in to discharge her, the narcotic requests kept coming. I told her there was no way.  She tried to have one of her seizures.  During her seizure I asked “are these what your seizures are normally like?”  She replied yes…..during the seizure mind you.  So I told her she was faking her seizure and to please leave.

The nurses tried to take her out by wheelchair, but she refused the wheelchair. This was so she could “fall” and have another fake seizure on the floor. During the seizure she kept screaming “YOUR DOCTOR IS A MOTHER FUCKIN COCK SUCKER. HE’S A COCK SUCKER. THE DOCTOR IS A COCK SUCKER.”

I have never sucked a cock. But if I did, I would rather my patients not broadcast it like that.

ER Doc

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Weird call from last night between the nurse and a “patient”…..

Patient:  “I think I broke my arm and I need someone to come here and check it out.”
Nurse:  “I am sorry to hear that.  You are welcome to come to the ER to get checked out.”
Patient:  “If I come up there is there going to be drama?”
Nurse: “Only if you start drama.”
Patient: “I don’t want any drama and if I come there will be drama.  Can you just send someone to my place to check it out.”
Nurse:  “Sir you called the ER, not 911. Maybe you meant to call 911. But we don’t make house calls from the ER.”
Patient:  “Bitch I know who I called. I got monitors and locks on me I can’t leave the house. Don’t you give a shit about your patients? Get up here and check me out. “
The nurse hung up at that point since he was not our patient and obviously a dickhead.

ER Doc

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Stroke and Politics

Politics and racism can be very dividing.  It can affect people so much that their views are literally burned in their brain no matter what

A lot of times with stroke, the patient will present with altered mental status. I had an 81 year old with a stroke last week. She couldn't move her left side, and she couldn't remember anything.  She didn't know the day, year, her family....nothing. BUT, when I asked her who the president was, she said "That colored guy. I wish I could push him in a ditch!"  I don't know how her stroke could knock out so much of her memory but she still had the anti Obama in her.

ER Doc

Friday, February 15, 2013

Valentines Day

Holidays are always bad in the ER. July 4th because of the firework injuries, new years and memorial day because of the drunks, etc. 

Apparently valentines day is no exception. Below are a few stories from my shift last night on valentines day. Interestingly, they were all females

  • A 37 year old female came in after taking 70 tabs of neurontin trying to kill herself because her boyfriend "forgot" it was valentines day. She took this as him saying he didn't love her, and a fight ensued. As a valentines present from me, she got a lovely mixture of charcoal to drink and an overnight stay in the ICU. 
  • The local MHMR had a valentines day dance for their mentally challenged patients.  A nice 27 year old with mild-moderate MR was upset no one asked her to dance. On the ride home in the short bus, this enraged her. For some reason, she attacked the bus driver, who wrecked the short bus. Guess who got to take care of the short bus patients. 
  • A 70 year old female had an anxiety attack spending her first valentines day alone after her husband had passed away. The ativan did wonders and she left happy.
  • A nice son brought his 81 year old mother flowers for valentines day. When she got up to take the flowers, she fell and broke her hip. 
  • A young couple were on a date for valentines at a fancy restaurant. Apparently the girl is allergic to "citrus," and she consumed something with citrus at the restaurant. She promptly swelled up and dinner was cut short as she needed to visit the ER to reverse her anaphylaxis. 
ER Doc

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Stripper Juice

So a stripper comes in for a butt abscess. I respect the ladies of the night.  They work hard for their money right?  Usually they are pretty street smart. But not this dumb ho. She must be stuck on the day shift. (She put on her demographics she was a stripper so there was no secret going into the room).

Stripper Juice: "Wow your my doc. Your pretty cute. You should come see me sometime."

ER Doc: "Uhhh what brings you in today."

She immediately jumps on the bed and gets in the doggy style position, ass in the air, and pulls down her shorts leaving has her nasty thong on. The smell of a nasty river took over the room.

Stripper Juice: "I have this big boil on my butt. Do you think I got bit by a spider!?!?."

WTF?? This lady slides up and down dirty polls that other dirty strippers vaginas have slid on, puts her ass on the stage and makes a V with her legs to get a dollar bill, and rubs her shit on countless mens nasty pants, and her thought is a spider bite caused her abscess?? I know most people think a magical spider causes all boils, but I would think a damn stripper would think their disease infested profession might have something to do with pocket of pus growing on her ass.

ER Doc: "It's possible it was a spider, but more likely it was from your job. How clean is your working environment."

Stripper Juice: "Oh its disgusting."

So Stripper Juice got a nice incision and drainage.  She will now have a scar on her ass...hopefully it doesn't affect her revenue. I wrote her a work excuse that said "no stripping, poll dancing, or booty rubbing until wound is fully healed."

ER Doc

Monday, February 11, 2013

We're baaaaack. I don't know for how long...but we are bored and thought we would give this another try. Both of us have aged, become less mature, and have different jobs. But we still have shit to talk about. Check back soon for something worthless to read.

-ER Doc, Psych doc